Grieving

It is Sunday. That means it has been four weeks. Tuesday is the 20th, which means, it has been a month. How long will I mark time as it relates to the day Mom died? It has been a long, crazy, busy month, full of good times and bad times.

The grieving process is a strange thing to go through, but  we must all go through it. Not only is it different for everyone, it is different with everyone we lose.There is no one way or right way. It is,  what it is, a process.

One of my first encounters with death was my friend,  Sara Pat,  losing her Mom and Grandmother to a bad wreck caused by a tire blow-out.  What do you say to her and how do you act?  After all, we were only in the fifth grade.  We learned . You treat her like Sara Pat, our friend.  We all went into her bedroom,  away from the adults. We  ate a bunch of snacks and talked and laughed and cried and helped her get though that first night. Remembering that night, I  took a bunch of snacks to the Stone's house. I took  them straight upstairs to Marilee's room; so that Sara and all of the friends could talk, and laugh and cry and try on make-up  and help her get through  that first night.

I had a girl friend lose a boy friend in a go-cart wreck. We were all upset that the local paper chose to put that  horrible picture on the front page and tried to hide all the newspapers from the family.The friends gathered. When we got there, she was wearing one of his shirts. It seem to bring her comfort.  We were all new drivers and I got stuck in their  garden backing out.  The daddy stopped grieving just long enough to tease me about my driving and to tell me to watch out, cause  "the potatoes have eyes and saw what I did."

It is always sad to lose a grandparent, We have lost all of ours, but it is seems to be in the natural order of things. But to lose a child....Just does not seem right.  Losing a child before they  are born is death to a dream and  all of the plans that we have for this child that we have already fallen in  love with and we need to grieve. Any one losing a child, becomes a member of a club that no one wants to endure, but  some must. When it happens, no matter what the age of the child, it is the worst pain you  can imagine.  I watched my Mom's pain when we lost  Hugh at 57,  and she never got over it.

When Hugh died,  it rocked my world.  He was my big brother and my  hero. When I jumped, I expected him to catch me...and he did, every time. He was fun and loud and the house lit up with excitement when he came home. I would see his car in the yard. He would hide and I would find and get a big hug. Cancer. I hate that word.  It took my big brother away from us.  For months I could not read my Bible or pray like before.   I was just so hurt and lost. But God found me and brought me back through a woman's retreat and friends'  prayers.

The night my Daddy died, I went to bed realizing that I was probably pregnant with our third child.  The phone rang at 2:30 am and Mom asked to speak to Mark and he held me while I cried.  I was given a gift for months after her died.  I dreamed about him often and he was always  wearing a red shirt and  every  thing seem natural and right..... and then I would wake up and remember.  But, those visits helped me get through those  first months.  You see, he was wearing a red shirt the last time I saw him and he always looked good in red.  It was Christmas and I can still see him by  the fence at Little Granny's house.  He called me the weekend before he died to ask us to come for a visit, but I had other plans.  I always regretted that.

I watched Mark lose both of  his parents  and his step-dad.  His Daddy died soon after we got married, before we had kids.  I never knew him healthy.  He was battling a rare disease that I could not pronounce or understand,  that may have had something to do with his being a WW11 vet.

His step-dad,  who became that after we were married and loved our kids like they were his own,  died suddenly and violently. He took his own life because of depression caused by medicine that he was taking  at the time. It was so sad and hard to grasp and changed the rest of  Mark's  mother's  life.  Mark had to take care of his Mom and help with all arrangements.  I was pregnant with our last child and was not able to help much.

 His Mom taught us how to die with dignity and grace.  Cancer.  I still hate that word.  She died at home after a two year battle with this terrible disease.  Mark and I were there.  It was one of  the hardest and in some ways the most beautiful experience of our life.  Watching  her go from suffering and struggling to becoming calm and relaxed and easing  into heaven. It brought Mark and I closer together than ever. The hospice nurse was great.

No one is exempt from these experiences.  We can lose spouses,  parents,  children, siblings,  aunts and uncles, cousins and friends. It is always hard. Death is a reality that we all have to live with.  Grieving is different for all of us.  It is different every time we lose someone that we love. But, we can find hope and comfort in God.

 It is a process, one day at a time.